For those of you who aren’t up on your mid-seventies Indian movement/hippie movies, Tom Laughlin plays a guy who’s half Indian and half something else named Billy Jack. Billy is a Vietnam vet who also is an expert in hap-ki-do or some type of bland chop suey that someone like Jeff Speakman would probably use (please Speakman fans – no emails – I know his worthless movies revolve around some other brand of Far Eastern ga ga called kenpo). Billy has a woman named Jean. She’s a pacifist who runs the Freedom School out in New Mexico and spends most of the semester getting harassed by bigoted locals, usually lead by dudes named Posner
Billy Jack detailed Billy’s effort to protect the school from these slugs and ended with him being hauled off by the cops after his girlfriend convinces him to give up peacefully. This next chapter starts ominously with a bunch of fancy shots of the wilderness and flying eagles and the like along with all these statistics relating to all the college punks that the pigs killed back in the day when campuses were breeding grounds for ungrateful, long-haired, pot smoking, class cutting, showing no respect for their elders, commie, flower power loving dopes. Of course that don’t give the Man the right to go in there and shoot the joints up for no reason, now does it?
The movie wants to make a point about the government going to these schools (Kent State, Jackson State, the Freedom School) and provoking confrontations with the students so that they can waste them and ultimately control them through fear and violence and thus silence their dissenting voices. The movie even manages to draw an interesting parallel between those tactics these thugs used here in the good old US of A and the tactics the military used against the Vietnamese when we were over there getting our asses whipped. Of course the movie is so over the top and ham-handed in its handling and presentation of these themes that you’re immediately turned off of whatever message they’re trying to turn you on to.
But what about Billy Jack? When we last saw BJ, he was being hauled off to the pokey by the fuzz, a line of people raising their fists along the road side as his car passed by. Did he go to trial? Did he cop a plea? Did he go undercover in the prison to expose the awful conditions within (see Van Damme’s Death Warrant)?
The film uses a pretty clumsy framing device by having a hospitalized Jean relate to some reporter everything that happened to lead up to the tragic shooting at the Freedom School. This basically allows the film to present a series of barely connected events with Jean’s narration tying these disparate happenings together. She even tells us a little about Billy’s trial and we get to see some of the testimony.
The interesting thing about the trial is that even though Billy is being charged with killing some Posners or something, all the testimony is about how the military massacred women and children back in the ‘Nam and how Billy tattled on the puds that gave the order and carried out the slaughter. Hey, I’m all for people getting punished for crimes against humanity and all that, but maybe that should be brought up in a trial where that’s the charge. The last time I checked, Billy was charged with wiping out the scum that raped his woman (at least I’m guessing that’s what he’s on trial for – it was never made clear – it could have also been for his slow motion kung fu).
In any event, we get an artlessly staged scene (the movie is chock full of them – see if you can spot at least twenty) telling the nasty tale of this massacre. Apparently the jury wasn’t entirely convinced that Billy was justified in killing a bunch of punks back home because the military butchered innocent civilians abroad because they convict him.
So the trial of Billy Jack ends anticlimactically and I felt a bit prematurely with a guilty verdict on involuntary manslaughter (what?) and a sentence of five to fifteen years in the pen. I was slightly worried at this point since I was under the impression that this movie was about a trial and as far as I could tell, it was all done and the star had lost and been locked away. What would the rest of the movie be about? Umm, well, what wouldn’t it be about?
See, the rest of the movie is a stunning kaleidoscope of unfocused ranting and raving about every social ill that was popular back in the seventies. The movie abandons any semblance of a story and Jane just starts telling us every little thing that those do-gooders at the Freedom School did. There’s really no rhyme or reason to why and when any of this goes on. It’s almost as if Tom and Delores (Tom directed and you can bet that they saw to it that every pet cause made it into the film) trotted out every lame idea they’ve ever had to spread their brand of peace (Billy beats up people, Jean criticizes him for it) and put it into this movie.
The back of the DVD lists five different people as being a film editor on this monstrosity. I can only imagine that that’s how many people they went through before they got an editor that made it to the very end of this thing. Did I mention how long the latest Billy Jack adventure is? It is somewhere in the neighborhood of 170 minutes. For those of us who were in that special math class in high school called \\”consumer math\\” while all our smart friends were in \\”college math,\\” that translates to almost three hours of Billy Jack and Jean moralizing about every evil they can imagine.
As I watched this, I was reminded of what my father said in one of his inspired (though less than politically correct) moments when he and I were taking a guided walking tour of Iowa State University that seemed to go on forever. He complained rather loudly that this is what it must have been like to be on the Bataan Death March. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that sitting through this entire movie was like something as awful and deadly as the Bataan Death March (I am a better person than my father after all), but I will tell you this: watching The Trial of Billy Jack was a lot like taking a guided walking tour of the Iowa State University campus.
Okay, so this movie goes on and on beyond all human conception (a little like the universe, I guess) and Billy Jack disappears for long stretches of the movie (this wasn’t too smart, because whenever he showed up – usually in that super-cool black cowboy/pimp hat and too-tight jean jacket – it’d be about the only time any life was breathed into this hulking behemoth of a flick), and in the meantime we get the run down on the trouble those Freedom School kids have been causing. They tackle issues such as child abuse and Indian land rights and hold all sorts of festivals, including the infamous world’s largest band and drill team contest event dubbed with the really catchy name of \\”1984 Is Closer Than You Think\\” moniker. Whew, that must have looked snazzy on the concert t-shirts.
However blinded Tom and Delores are by their liberal pinko agenda, they know that the drive-in crowd came to see Billy Jack and not some idiotically-named marching band Olympics, so Billy gets released after doing 4 years of his 5-15 year sentence. I assume this means that Billy is walking paper on parole (it’s better than being on probation – trust me – every day you walk on parole is a day off your sentence – every day you walk on probation isn’t) which in my state would prohibit him from doing stuff like, um I don’t know, let’s say, holding the lieutenant governor at gun point, smoking peace pipes, kicking people in the head, throat, knees, gut, and nuts, and they’d probably would want to him to get a steadier job than just \\”spiritual protector of the Indians and their lands.\\”
Luckily for us, Billy Jack isn’t the type of half-breed Vietnam vet to let the white man change his ways (we actually learn from Billy that we can only change from the inside!) and he does all this and lots more when he finally gets sprung. This leads to the great scenes where Billy reunites with Jean (a kiss on a sun-drenched mountain – I thought it was a seventies commercial selling coffee or the old Summit candy bar), nature (he smokums peace pipe and has a friendly hawk or falcon land on his arm), and with the kids of the Freedom School (a mob scene that made you feel a bit discomforted in that they seemed to be trying to deify this dude).
The greatest moment in the movie (aside from Billy Jack slapping Jesus Christ) came when this little girl that we saw in the previous film singing at dinner time, has taken the four years Billy’s been in prison to get her next single in the can and ready to debut it at Billy’s coming home dinner. A truly treacly piece of syrup that will have you asking for another two stacks of flapjacks just to soak it all up, the lyrics tell of Billy’s absence and the effect it has had on her. Here’s some sample lyrics: \\”Shed a tear, running dear. Don’t turn back Billy Jack. I am crying. Are you dying just for me?\\” It’s got a good beat and you can gag to it. I’d give it two boots upside your stupid head, girly.
The film meanders here and there, lurching from issue to issue so that you’re never quite sure if there is actually anything important happening story-wise and aren’t sure who the bad guys are (The guys who want to take away the abused child the Freedom School is helping? The guys stealing the Indian lands? The doctors who won’t treat an Indian? Tom and Delores for being this damn self-important?) and wondering where Billy Jack is all the time these kids are exposing the corrupt practices of the bigot who runs the furniture rental store in town (huh?).
As for Billy, he spends an eternity going on a spiritual journey to find himself. This involves a series of increasingly ridiculous scenes that has him painted up all red and wearing some kind of sash like he just took first place in an Oompa-Loompa beauty pageant, all the while meeting a blue-painted version of himself in a cave. It all has to do with spirit guides and finding your center and all that self-improvement speak that makes you wonder if Tony Robbins was an advisor on the project.
Then Billy goes on some more spiritual journeys and tries to achieve the \\”fourth level\\” of understanding or some such nonsense. I was paging through The Sporting News about this time, wondering who the Kansas City Chefs would draft with their very early first round pick, but I did look up in time to see Billy Jack smack Jesus upside the head. I don’t think Billy had found his center yet.
Shortly thereafter and for the rest of the film, Billy would open up his strange brand of peaceful whup-ass on various people for various transgressions, while Jean would be there to berate him for doing so. At the end of the movie, the government moves in and shoots up the joint and the movie demonstrates its subtly in getting its point across by having a soldier shoot a little one armed kid in the back, who was holding the cutest little wabbit I ever seen!
Somehow or other Billy gets busted by the fuzz, then escapes and the next thing you know everyone is singing \\”Give Peace A Chance\\” and a self-serving message from the filmmakers (thanks Tom and Delores) pops up on screen urging us to do something or other about some dang issue or incident. All I did was hit \\”stop\\” on the remote control, my life finally my own again after about three days.
There’s a commentary from Tom and Delores that runs on a separate audio track here, but who would ever choose to sit through this three hour bowel obstruction again? This is worse than your usual bad movie, because it has the power of two stanky films all rolled into one titanic destructive force. It’s really hard to watch them sap all the life out of Billy Jack, while Jean has merely degenerated into a shrill whiner, forever complaining about everything and doing nothing (at least Billy breaks the occasional knee cap). This film leaves us with one burning question: is it possible that the next film in the series can be even worse? You wouldn’t think so, but can you imagine what happens when these two head to Congress whining about how dirty and corrupt everyone else is? I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer a super slow karate chop to my nads than having to sit through BJ’s summer vacation in D.C
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